Terrible Tuesday: Adventures in Cinematic Abominations: 2014

Monday, June 16, 2014

Alan Quatermain and the Lost Cities of Gold

Captain America 1 & 2 (1970's)

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Assassination (Charles Bronson)

Movie Title: Assassination

Release Date: October, 1983
Rated: PG-13
Starring Freddie   Charles Bronson, Jill Ireland, Stephen Elliott
Genre(s): Action, Drama, Thriller
Runtime: 88 min

Jay Killion (Charles Bronson) had been the presidential bodyguard, but for the inauguration of the recently elected president, he is assigned to the first lady, Lara Royce (Jill Ireland). Lara, a perpetually indignant, arrogantly feministic lady, initially hates the methodical and rules-following Killion, and so she does all she can to avoid him and disregard his safety procedures. The story complicates, however, when repeated attempts are made on Lara's life. Eventually, the shaken Lara decides to trust Killion's instincts and precautionary methods, and the pair embark on a difficult and often perilous cross-country journey, with the assassins close on their heels. *IMDB
Internet Score:

    IMDB: 5.0
    Rotten Tomato: n/a

Escape 2000

Movie Title: Escape 2000

Release Date: October, 1983
Rated: R
Starring Freddie Steve Railsback, Olivia Hussey, Michael Craig
Genre(s): Action, Drama, Horror, Sci Fi, Thriller
Runtime: 93 min

Deviants are held at a rehabilitation fortress until they're set into a deadly game of survival, in the hopes of returning to world society. *IMDB

Internet Score:

IMDB: 5.9
Rotten Tomato: n/a

Miami Connection

Movie Title: Miami Connection

Release Date: August 18, 1988
Rated: n/a
Starring Freddie Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand
Genre(s): Action, Adventure
Runtime: 83 min

The year is 1987. Motorcycle ninjas tighten their grip on Florida's narcotics trade, viciously annihilating anyone who dares move in on their turf. Multi-national martial arts rock band Dragon Sound have had enough, and embark on a roundhouse wreck-wave of crime-crushing justice. When not chasing beach bunnies or performing their hit song "Against the Ninja," Mark (kung-fu master/inspirational speaker Y.K. Kim) and the boys are kicking and chopping at the drug world's smelliest underbelly. It'll take every ounce of their blood and courage, but Dragon Sound can't stop until they've completely destroyed the dealers, the drunk bikers, the kill-crazy ninjas, the middle-aged thugs, the "stupid cocaine"...and the entire MIAMI CONNECTION!!! *Rotten Tomatoes

Internet Score:

IMDB: 6.2
Rotten Tomato: 73%

Gymkata

Movie Title: Gymkata

Release Date: May 3, 1985
Rated: R
Starring Freddie Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani, Richard Norton
Genre(s): Action, Drama
Runtime: 90 min

Synopsis: Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a "star wars" site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal "Game". The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA! *IMDB

Internet Score:

IMDB: 4.0
Rotten Tomato: 18%

Wing Commander

Movie Title: Wing Commander

Release Date: March 12, 1999
Rated: PG-13
Starring Freddie Prinz Jr., Saffron Burrows, Matthew Lillard, Tcheky Karyo
Genre(s): Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Sci Fi
Runtime: 100 min

Synopsis: Based on a popular series of video games, Wing Commander introduces us to an elite fighter squadron in the year 2654. The Earth confederation is at war with a vicious race called the Kilrathi. The Kilrathi have captured a navigational device which will allow them to jump through worm-holes in space to arrive behind enemy lines. Only this highly trained squadron, led by three young pilots, stand in their way. Christopher "Maverick" Blair (Freddie Prinze Jr.) is just out of the Academy, but his lack of experience is more than compensated by his exceptional navigational skills, though he is still haunted by the deaths of his parents in a previous galactic war. His friend, Todd "Maniac" Mashall (Matthew Lillard), is a brash, gung-ho fighter jock always rushing into danger. Their wing commander and leader is Jeanette "Angel" Deveraux (Saffron Burrows). Assigned these two new pilots by Admiral Geoffery Tolwyn (David Warner), the strong and beautiful Deveraux is at first resentful, but later develops feelings for Blair. Perhaps the two will find time for romance on their way to saving the solar system.

Internet Score:

IMDB: 4.0
Rotten Tomato: 10%

The Puma Man

Movie Title: The Puma Man

Release Date: February 14, 1980
Rated: n/a
Starring Donald Pleasance, Walter George Alton
Genre(s): Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Sci Fi
Runtime: 90 min

Synopsis: Low-budget superhero flick about a young man given a mystical medallion by a South American shaman, in order to become a puma- empowered champion like his father before him. In trying to locate the young man initially, the shaman has the nasty habit of pushing candidates out windows to test them. *IMDB

Internet Score:

IMDB: 2.1
Rotten Tomato: n/a

Warrior of Justice: The Ultimate FIght For The Truth

Movie Title: Warrior of Justice (a.k.a Invititation to Death)

    Release Date: November 4, 1995
    Rated: n/a (R)
    Starring: Jorgo Ognenovski, Richard Lynch, Jorge Riverro
    Genre(s): Action, Thriller
    Runtime: 89 min

Synopsis: A naive young karate student, gets involved in a secret fighting society only to die in front of a sold-out crowd of voyeuristic spectators. The body parts of Tony and the other young men who died that night are then harvested to be sold on the black market. When a local martial arts master goes searching for Tony, he discovers the underground fighting tournament and challenges the deranged leader to a duel. *Rotten Tomato

Internet Score:

    IMDB: 3.5
    Rotten Tomato: n/a

Snakes On A Plane

Movie Title: Snakes on a Plane

    Release Date: August 18, 2006
    Rated: R
    Starring: Julianna Margulies, Nathan Phillips, Samuel L. Jackson
    Genre(s): Action, Thriller
    Runtime: 105 min

Synopsis: An FBI agent takes on a plane full of deadly and poisonous snakes, deliberately released to kill a witness being flown from Honolulu to Los Angeles to testify against a mob boss. *IMDB

Internet Score::
    IMDB: 5.7
    Rotten Tomato: 68%

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Cut!

We here at "Terrible Tuesdays: Adventures in Cinematic Abominations" have run into a problem. While we have been more than consistent in our movie watching schedule, and have scoured the local retail landscape in search of the best of the worst Movie watching materials. We have not maintained this blog with the same diligence. The truth, is we have about as much business running a blog as the directors had making the movies we discuss here. And much like the aforementioned directors, we are not about to let our incompetence stop us.

Now, having said that we are taking steps to improve the readers experience. Complimentary clothespins will now be made available at no charge, simply place the device over your nose. It should mute any stench emanating from the movies or from this blog.

The old saying goes “too many cooks spoil the broth” but there isn't any risk when the broth is already inedible, so we have decided to double the number of contributing members to the blog. E.C Fraser Lovett will now be joined by Jason Parker, and we hope the list will continue to grow.

Our original intent was to have a blog that would chronicle our cinematic excursions in the order that they were viewed. Unfortunately, we have amassed a back log of movies that deserve to be discussed here, so we will be making catchup posts in no particular order.

Please view our earlier posts as baby steps toward a bigger, better, well organized blog.

Friday, May 16, 2014

If you haven't seen "Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe," you just haven't lived. This movie is so fabulous, so intensely delightful; a blitzkrieg on your senses. You can't help but want to watch it again. It really sums up everything that defines a Terrible Movie: a ridiculous, convoluted plot; several washed up, quasi-star actors; apparently major plots points (contextually speaking) which never appear until half way through the movie, and then, are never explained; an almost complete lack of continuity editing; unintended innuendo and sarcasm; and, horrendous "acting." And, yet, we can't wait to watch it again! That alone is why it will never crack the top echelon of our ranking -- nobody, I mean nobody, wants to see "Manos and the Hands of Fate" or "NUKIE" again. Ever... Ever!
"Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe" is the story of unrequited love. A futuristic super soldier, from the planet Sargacia, named Secundus, comes to Earth in search of a "human breeding unit" or "birthing member of the human race" (you may know them as women) to create the "Comater," who may possess the "Anti-life Equation" to unlock the passageway to a negative universe from which Secundus can rule everything. Huh? Secundus, pursued by Jesse Ventura's character, "Abraxas," impregnates the first human female he finds; by holding his hand over her abdomen.

Only a few minutes later, with seemingly no dfficulty, or the neccessity to remove her trousers, she gives birth to a sparklingly clean child. Then, she goes for a walk with him, and back home. Apparently, suffering no anxiety or distress over the whole ordeal, she raises "Tommy" as her own boy. It gets even more convoluted, but I won't toy with your intelligence on that point. Allow me to simply illustrate with a few quotes (provided kindly by IMDb):

Teacher: Can I help you?
Secundus: Bring me the comater.
Teacher: What?
Secundus: I said: Bring me the comater, or I will kill all these children... one at the time!
[pats a boy on the head]
Secundus: I looooove children.

Secundus: Are you a birthing member of the human race?
Sonia: Huh?
Secundus: I need your body!

Father: So what makes you think you can locate my 4-by-4?
Abraxas: My box has VD, trust me.
Mother: Your what?
Abraxas: VD. Vibrational Detection.

[Abraxas is sitting in bed, bare-chested, when Tommy walks in]
Abraxas: Hello. I suppose you're not tired. Do you want to sit up here with me? I'll tell you a story. It's about two men who were partners...