Terrible Tuesday: Adventures in Cinematic Abominations

It all started with the "Time Guardian"....

      It all began one evening with a discussion on our favorite terrible movies; memories shaken, not stirred, by mention of a recent thrift store find: "The Time Guardian" (on VHS, of course!). Before we knew it we were "enjoying" Brian Hannant's miserable attempt at Sci-Fi splendor. After all, it has Carrie Fisher. How bad could it really be? Aside from the usual suspects of poor script writing, bad cinematography and horrific acting, it featured the "how far they've fallen" aspect of Carrie Fisher, four years AFTER Return of the Jedi. (And, only 2 1/2 months after Amazon Women on the Moon.) It was so dark that you couldn't make out most of the action, which was shot it tight-frame to obscure to lack of sets and quality. The plot was as hard to follow as the action, further hindered by the fact that we "tapped out" half way through and finished it later. Little did we know that The Time Guardian would seem like Oscar winning material compared to what we would soon encounter....
     And, so the quest began (much like the cast of Lord Protector) to find the WORST movies ever made and watch them. Okay, we know, it's been sooooo done before. But, not by us! And, not with such style!
     Meet the team: Yours truly, E. C. Fraser Lovett, barista and bad movie connoisseur; Jason Parker, as himself; Christine Harmon, former EMT and CPR expert (trust us, sometimes we choke on the pizza;) and, occassionally Jeremy and Jacquie Canaday, bus drivers, in case we just want to get the &%$#@ out of Frogtown! (And, as the sometimes appearing guest chef, my wife, Jessica. Who is usually above such sophomoric behavior.)
     The rules are simple: scour (that's an applicable term) thrift shops and sales to find the truest gems of cinemagraphic travesty, preferably on VHS and view them so that they may be rated on our N.U.K.I.E. scale. N.U.K.I.E. being the WORST (and that's saying something!) of the movies we've yet watched. Compared to N.U.K.I.E., Troll 2 and Return to Frogtown are child's play. The scale: 1 to 10 N.U.K.I.E.s, 10 being unthinkably terrible. In fact, we will devote an entire later post to N.U.K.I.E., the clearly worst movie we've ever found. In fact, IMDb doesn't even feature a photo of the movie's cover or poster art. And, it takes only two sentences, a mere twenty-one words, to sum up the entire film. It is so far beyond terrible that we truly don't know if it will ever be de-throned as the worst movie we've seen. Jason and Christine invented a rule of thumb for N.U.K.I.E.: What would you rather do than EVER watch N.U.K.I.E. again?